How To Social Media – Anti-Social Media

As your eyes open you reach eagerly for your phone. It is seated comfortably on the bedside table, readily accessible. Before you kiss your partner be sure to check for any messages you may have missed during the night. Check the time. Check the weather. Check all socials. Check your email too.

The fresh comforting scent of coffee floats through the room. Each sip certainly hits the spot. Pick up your phone and check your notifications. Check the time. Check the battery life. You should never allow your phone to die. You do this so quickly that you need to pick up your phone again to actually process what time it is.

Be sure to take an obligatory selfie while working from home. Take at least ten pictures. Be sure to scrutinize every angle of your face. You don’t want to look too unhappy or possibly show a realistic expression. Hide how mundane you truly feel inside.The photo displays you smiling wide in your home office with a furry brown cat seated behind you. Pick up your phone. Upload the photo and ensure you add the most trending hashtags. You must post the picture with the cat in it. People like animals, and you certainly want people to like your picture.

Continue to work. Pick up your phone. Check your notifications. Count the likes on your most recent post. Your worth should be directly influenced by the amount of interaction on your social media page. Check your email. Check the post comments and count the likes again. Scroll mindlessly through the news feeds, double tapping on posts without stopping for more than two seconds. It’s been a few minutes, you really should have more likes on your post. You must have done something wrong.

Repeat the process of phone checking and scrolling at least once every thirty minutes. You need to stay relevant. Do not be alone with your own thoughts.

It’s that dreaded time again. You made arrangements earlier in the week when you were feeling more social. It’s time to put on your mask again and go outside. You think back to when wearing a mask was not socially acceptable. You are thankful now as you have a few less smiles to force. It’s funny how wearing an actual mask means you don’t need to force such an emotional mask.

Meticulously check your hair, your clothes and your teeth. There will be pictures taken, and you must look desirable. Show up to the dinner gathering early. Sit with your heart racing in your chest, eyes down, and thumb wildly scrolling on your phone. Avoid eye contact. Check the time. Check your post and remember to give yourself praise for every positive comment you recieve.

When the food arrives it is time for another photo opportunity. I hope you ordered something low carb as your friends will certainly be judging you. Do not touch your overly priced salad. Move a few of the colourful pieces to the top, it will make for a better picture. Pick up your phone, snap a photo and save that for a rainy day. Perhaps tomorrow when your energy has run out from being social today. Yes, you most certainly want to post a picture with bits of a fruit displayed instead of your crippling depression. No one wants to see that. Cheer up, as you need to prepare yourself for the selfies with friends.

Each friend takes their turn twisting and raising their phone to ensure the most flattering angle is taken. On social media no one has any acne, scars or double chins. One by one you must smile and prove that you are one of them. Prove to everyone that you are just as carefree as they are. They will tag you in each of their posts to display that they too, are social and do fun things with friends.

The sun fades away and while you could be talking with your partner about their day, it sincerely would be better if you checked all of the photos from today’s get together. You can rest easy knowing the world has proof of just how social you are.You blend in and that is a good thing. You pick up your phone and check your emails again. Check the time. Check your battery. Check the notifications and text messages. The voice beside you is muffled as you reply to each and every text. It is important that you never leave a friend waiting, even if you are mid conversation with someone in the same room.

Tiredness envelopes you. Check your notifications one last time. Plug in your phone. This time you should leave it turned on, just in case someone wants to reach you. Your mind may feel exhausted, but you cannot let anyone know. You did a good job today. The post with your cat received a handsome amount of likes. You can rest easy knowing no one saw how you truly felt. Congrats on doing great on your social media today.
Covid or not, we all have our masks to wear.